Caught in the web again

Just returned from the triathlon in San Diego and the weekend in Fitchburg for the Longsjo Classic. San Diego was great, though Paula was grating on my nerves as usual. It was nice to have Kendall and Emmeline around and get to spend some quality time with them. And to have support as I battled with a resurgence of the staph infection I went through 8 months or so ago. The timing of course was impeccable, but I almost feel like it happened for a reason. And the reason is this...

Jim and his mom came to pick me up at the airport in Manchester. There was an instant level of comfort with both him and his family - they are so funny and such a pleasure to be around. And I can't stop marveling at what an amazing son they produced. The more I get to know Jim the more that see that I was right about him - there are many different sides to this person and so far I liking every single one of them. He is confident yet modest, motivated, determined, sensitive to others, aware of himself...all of the traits I have been seeking in someone. Sometimes I want to pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming. We admitted that we're putting the best foot forward, but somehow I think it's all still pretty real. I know I tend to be wrong about these things, but this one I would like to keep.

Saturday night at the bar (The Boulder) Matt played wing man so Jim and I could talk without old friends bothering us. And we essentially decided to give this a try. With a determined face he told me about his friend that was dating a girl in Chicago...and that they were married now. I like that we are on the same page, in same the place in our lives, it seems. There's enough there that we want to pursue this, but I think it's also important to be realistic about things. I do not expect him to move here and he does not expect me to go to Connecticut. But we will find a way to see each other and really get to know each other.

For the first time in a long time I took the sexual part and the lubricant of inebriation out of the equation (though admittedly not by choice) and really got to spend some time with someone just as I really am. And it was amazing. To be that turned on by someone for who they are and what is at the core of them is quite refreshing. When he says I am beautiful, he is sincere...and my heart melts as I thank him shyly. When I look into his eyes I feel like I can see into his soul. And when he covers them to bear the touch of my lips and skin something in my own soul is awakened. Sitting at the airport, going through pictures of him, of us, to try and burn the memories into my seive, he texts me "I miss you already." And I miss him just the same.

But somehow it is ok that we are hours and miles away from one another. I am calm, going into this with a level mind and no expectations. I will not make the same mistakes I once made in haste - this one will be worth the wait. Matt asked at the bar, "Do you think you might be falling? Maybe just a little bit?" I have never been so quick or so honest to say "Yes, that might be the case." I have spent the last year introspecting and finding myself again - I like who I've become and I like who I am. Part of that is taking the time to mourn the loss of my last relationship, spending time alone and being ok with being alone. Another part is the committment I've made to my health. And an even bigger part of that is the people I've met and who will surely be with me for the long haul - I truly feel lucky and blessed.

Andrew and I did a hill/run workout yesterday, and had a really good conversation. Good because he was able to talk about the Holly situation with me, and good because it was open and honest on both ends without a hidden agenda. I look at him now and realize that Andy was right - I was not falling for him, I was falling for the idea of him. He has most of the things I have been looking for in someone; he just doesn't have all of it. I'm just not willing to settle. And with Jim, it doesn't feel like I am. Andrew and I were meant to friends - and will be friends - for a very long time.

So for now I look forward to Dewey at the end of the month. Perhaps a weekend in the interim. You know, I'll just take what I can get, because it's just so deliciously amazing...