wow. second one today. must be the espresso dan made me.

dinner with the band (minus oana and plus jason and dan) at dan's house. i wish i could live in a place like that. with someone i love. enough with the dreaming - i'm tired of dreaming. why must i always dream about it and never have it? someone to inspire me, to push me, to catch me. to make my heart skip a beat even after the honeymoon phase is over. is my new strategy to hold out for the really, really unattainable? let the heart get broken a bit in hopes of finding what i've always dreamed of? the blind fortune teller said i already know "him" and that i would get married at 30, 31. i'm not so much concerned about the age as i am about finding someone that really makes me happy, and that i can make really happy. it seems almost an impossibility at this point. what bugs me even more is how it eats at me so that i feel the need to talk about this hole inside me in every blog i write. i know that i live in a world of ideals, but i don't know how to stop being idealistic other than settling. as soon as i get something, i lose interest in it. and i'm scared to go after the things that i really, really want for fear of failure and rejection. so what next? am i just waiting? the sad truth is that i have been waiting...for as long as i can remember...while others have long since found it. another valentine's day. i fucking hate that holiday because it just reminds me of that which i long for the most. and even when i'm in a relationship, the day is crap because it shouldn't take a holiday to tell someone how you feel.

why no call? was the connection just a fluke? are you worried about justin? because really, i'd like a chance to know what you're really thinking...though in an odd way it's nice to have something to project onto. And feel giddy about. Ah am I always just this wee bit obsessive?

ABSOLUTELY.

Wow, am I bad at keeping up with this. Let's see...uneventful week last week. Dale Carnegie on Wednesday - last day next week! Kendall's surprise 30th bday at Red Maple - drunken mess. Fun, but I paid the price on Saturday. Slept until 3 (or until I felt human again) then laid low the rest of the day. Sunday was chill as well, worked on Cafe Gourmet (wish those bastards would get back to me) and then on my sales preso. Tried SNAFU - it sucked AGAIN. Came home, chilled out, went to bed. Pretty much an uneventful weekend.

So try as I may, I can't seem to get Andrew out of my head. Just heard from Justin that the weekend was a blast, so I have to say I'm pretty jealous. Other than a couple little texts on Friday, no contact with him whatsoever. Which basically tells me that he must not be interested in hanging out, so I really should just get over it. Trouble is I'm still in the obsessing phase - I hate that phase since I almost always look back and want to kick myself over it - but I am definitely on my way out. He is not a good idea anyways - he's not done being single and the women will never be done pursuing him. So, I move forward. Looking but not looking. Hoping but hopeless. God would I just like the opportunity to kiss him again - properly, fully, and indulgingly.

Busy week. Dinner with Kendall, Dani, Plip and Plop tonight. Sales preso tomorrow. Dinner with Dad on Thursday. Dinner with Dani on Friday. Super Bowl party on Sunday at Steve's? Maybe not such a good idea. We shall see...

Unexpected

So after a low key Friday night I hit the gym Saturday morning bright and early. As luck would have it, none other than Andrew walks in while I am working on my triceps and stops by to say hello. Before I know it we make plans to hang out. I notice him talking to another girl while I am working out, and he seems calm, casual. When I approach him to get his number before I leave, he seems a bit fidgety, very smiley. I note the body language.

Heather and I spent the day together, working for a short period then watching Anchorman and Starskt and Hutch. Matt joined us after waking from some bad dreams. I don't know how she does it all the time. Before I know it it's 6PM and Justin calls and I have 30 minutes to get ready. Justin and Jaime pick me up in a cab and we're off to Mothers.

Walk in the door and I hear "Chua!" turn around and sure enough, Paul is there with Alex and his fiancee. I say hi, can't believe my luck, and return to the group who have met up with Andrew.

Night progresses and by the end of it I find myself talking with Andrew in Grumpies and him revealling that he "inquired" about me several years ago and basically got the "back off" vibe from Justin. He confessed that he always found me to be attractive but didn't explore it because of that. And I confessed that I found him to be attractive, and asked what I was supposed to do if Justin gave him the back off vibe. The night was ending, Alex and Paul had definitely walked by a couple of times during this conversation, and I was a little surprise to be discussing what we were discussing at that point. After we exited the bar, Justin got held up talking to people, so Andrew suggestedd we just start walking and Justin would catch up. We make a beeline for the house and as he is unlocking the door, I see Justin round the corner. Damn. No follow up on discussion at the bar. I meet Mazy, and we play with her for awhile. Andrew and I move to the front room while Justin takes over, throwing things from the kitchen. I notice Andrew touching me when he has the opportunity - a hand on the back, a light touch on the backside, grabbing me knee. I see my opportunity and kiss him. Another grin, and I steal another moment when Justin isn't looking. I want nothing more than to stay, but see Justin falling asleep on the couch. So we leave.

Sunday morning we do brunch at Reggie's and end of spending the day at Porters watching the Saints/Cubs game. I sit next to Andrew most of the time but can't get a read off of him. It's almost as if the night before didn't happen, though we continue discussions on vacation plans and what not. Part of me wants to slip in the question - was last night just a drunk mistake for you? - but decide against it. We shall see where the chips may fall on this one. I will just enjoy being a little bit giddy about this. And a touch scared...

Baltimore Blast(less), WTF, Charles' "Infinite Fuck"

after realizing that maybe i just don't want to forget all of this great stuff that i can't seem to remember naturally anymore (most likely due to the fact that i can't stop the aging process), have vowed to start writing daily again. so, i shall start with this new beginning:

friday. it was the longest four day work week in the history of me. database integrity complaints, advertising complaints, i need this i need that, whining.... a girl can only take so much. yesterday alex took me to lunch, i suppose to clear the air, and it was surprisingly comfortable. though i think he is truly amazing and absolutely one of a kind, i am quite sure that i know myself well enough to know that there's something missing and i would have held on to that missing piece until the demise of our relationship. and is truly more important to me that he and i are friends, as it's nice to know someone who is so aware of other people's feelings.

thought of andrew as i approached the city. i suppose he represents everything i am scared of, as seems to have all the traits that i would ever look for in a guy. confident, but humble, smart, tall, attractive, charismatic, perfect posture, great smile, driven, successful, tasteful....did i miss anything? if i really admit what scares me about thinking about someone like that, it is most definitely that i really and truly believe that men like that are just out of my league. that i not attractive enough, smart enough, heck just in plain general good enough for someone like that. and no matter how many times my friends may tell me that i'm being ridiculous, i can't seem to change that notion in my deeply analytical and overthinking head.

nice to be high. it's been awhile. i am going to let my brain rest for the first time in months. i hope.