Wow. So much more has happened in the last year than I could ever imagine. That evasive man that I last posted about in frustration? He is now my future husband. Unbelievable. I am so lucky that fate finally brought us together. Ours is a the kind of love I've always dreamed of. Not perfect, but perfectly amazing.
At work, but more to come later. I've missed writing to you, particularly when I'm happy!
Friday, July 18, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
February 25th
Today. Today was not such a good day. Today I lost my Uncle, my dear, beloved Uncle. Words cannot explain the hole I feel in my heart. It bleeds sadness, and yet sighs with relief. He is at peace now - no more pain, no more drugs, no more dozing off when he doesn't really want to. And yet I miss him so already.
Had this disease not taken over his body, I cannot say that I would know him as I do today. This day, the day my Grandfather was born so many years ago. More than a bit ironic, don't you think?
I dread this week. I dread facing my family, facing his friends, facing him for one last time. The last time I talked to him was February 14th. Eleven days for which I feel ashamed and guilty for not calling him. I was afraid I would wake him up. I was afraid that he wouldn't be able to speak. I just hope in my heart that he read the letter I left for him in January. I hope he knows how much I love him so, and that I am forever his daughter by blood.
I hope you are at peace, Uncle Sonny. I will try to make you proud in whatever I do.
Had this disease not taken over his body, I cannot say that I would know him as I do today. This day, the day my Grandfather was born so many years ago. More than a bit ironic, don't you think?
I dread this week. I dread facing my family, facing his friends, facing him for one last time. The last time I talked to him was February 14th. Eleven days for which I feel ashamed and guilty for not calling him. I was afraid I would wake him up. I was afraid that he wouldn't be able to speak. I just hope in my heart that he read the letter I left for him in January. I hope he knows how much I love him so, and that I am forever his daughter by blood.
I hope you are at peace, Uncle Sonny. I will try to make you proud in whatever I do.
Monday, October 29, 2007
what is this?
So I finally address the elephant in the room, grab the tie, make things happen...and still he is evasive. We go to the bar, he has his arm around me...I sleep at his place, we wake up in the morning and talk for hours...he invites me to a show at the 9:30 club, reminds me that he was serious about having dinner Monday (which is tonight, incidentally and clearly I am not at dinner,)and yet somehow I knew in the back of my head that we would not be seeing each other tonight. Is it a game? Did I throw myself at him and he just wasn't interested? Am I really that bad at reading the signs? For once this is someone who seems to make sense, but then i guess that is my problem - maybe I just don't know anyone all that well.
Why am I being slightly obsessive about this one? Is it really him, or is it just me in my head?
Why am I being slightly obsessive about this one? Is it really him, or is it just me in my head?
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Wrong...again
I, I do not trust myself anymore. I live in a world of ideals, bound by my complex mind. Reading the last post I feel like a fool. I jump in head first without caution, it happens every time. I do not deserve to find my match or be a part of a pair. I am obviously not ready. And I clearly have no understanding of my true feelings, because one minute I am on and the next I am off but always I am alone.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Caught in the web again
Just returned from the triathlon in San Diego and the weekend in Fitchburg for the Longsjo Classic. San Diego was great, though Paula was grating on my nerves as usual. It was nice to have Kendall and Emmeline around and get to spend some quality time with them. And to have support as I battled with a resurgence of the staph infection I went through 8 months or so ago. The timing of course was impeccable, but I almost feel like it happened for a reason. And the reason is this...
Jim and his mom came to pick me up at the airport in Manchester. There was an instant level of comfort with both him and his family - they are so funny and such a pleasure to be around. And I can't stop marveling at what an amazing son they produced. The more I get to know Jim the more that see that I was right about him - there are many different sides to this person and so far I liking every single one of them. He is confident yet modest, motivated, determined, sensitive to others, aware of himself...all of the traits I have been seeking in someone. Sometimes I want to pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming. We admitted that we're putting the best foot forward, but somehow I think it's all still pretty real. I know I tend to be wrong about these things, but this one I would like to keep.
Saturday night at the bar (The Boulder) Matt played wing man so Jim and I could talk without old friends bothering us. And we essentially decided to give this a try. With a determined face he told me about his friend that was dating a girl in Chicago...and that they were married now. I like that we are on the same page, in same the place in our lives, it seems. There's enough there that we want to pursue this, but I think it's also important to be realistic about things. I do not expect him to move here and he does not expect me to go to Connecticut. But we will find a way to see each other and really get to know each other.
For the first time in a long time I took the sexual part and the lubricant of inebriation out of the equation (though admittedly not by choice) and really got to spend some time with someone just as I really am. And it was amazing. To be that turned on by someone for who they are and what is at the core of them is quite refreshing. When he says I am beautiful, he is sincere...and my heart melts as I thank him shyly. When I look into his eyes I feel like I can see into his soul. And when he covers them to bear the touch of my lips and skin something in my own soul is awakened. Sitting at the airport, going through pictures of him, of us, to try and burn the memories into my seive, he texts me "I miss you already." And I miss him just the same.
But somehow it is ok that we are hours and miles away from one another. I am calm, going into this with a level mind and no expectations. I will not make the same mistakes I once made in haste - this one will be worth the wait. Matt asked at the bar, "Do you think you might be falling? Maybe just a little bit?" I have never been so quick or so honest to say "Yes, that might be the case." I have spent the last year introspecting and finding myself again - I like who I've become and I like who I am. Part of that is taking the time to mourn the loss of my last relationship, spending time alone and being ok with being alone. Another part is the committment I've made to my health. And an even bigger part of that is the people I've met and who will surely be with me for the long haul - I truly feel lucky and blessed.
Andrew and I did a hill/run workout yesterday, and had a really good conversation. Good because he was able to talk about the Holly situation with me, and good because it was open and honest on both ends without a hidden agenda. I look at him now and realize that Andy was right - I was not falling for him, I was falling for the idea of him. He has most of the things I have been looking for in someone; he just doesn't have all of it. I'm just not willing to settle. And with Jim, it doesn't feel like I am. Andrew and I were meant to friends - and will be friends - for a very long time.
So for now I look forward to Dewey at the end of the month. Perhaps a weekend in the interim. You know, I'll just take what I can get, because it's just so deliciously amazing...
Jim and his mom came to pick me up at the airport in Manchester. There was an instant level of comfort with both him and his family - they are so funny and such a pleasure to be around. And I can't stop marveling at what an amazing son they produced. The more I get to know Jim the more that see that I was right about him - there are many different sides to this person and so far I liking every single one of them. He is confident yet modest, motivated, determined, sensitive to others, aware of himself...all of the traits I have been seeking in someone. Sometimes I want to pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming. We admitted that we're putting the best foot forward, but somehow I think it's all still pretty real. I know I tend to be wrong about these things, but this one I would like to keep.
Saturday night at the bar (The Boulder) Matt played wing man so Jim and I could talk without old friends bothering us. And we essentially decided to give this a try. With a determined face he told me about his friend that was dating a girl in Chicago...and that they were married now. I like that we are on the same page, in same the place in our lives, it seems. There's enough there that we want to pursue this, but I think it's also important to be realistic about things. I do not expect him to move here and he does not expect me to go to Connecticut. But we will find a way to see each other and really get to know each other.
For the first time in a long time I took the sexual part and the lubricant of inebriation out of the equation (though admittedly not by choice) and really got to spend some time with someone just as I really am. And it was amazing. To be that turned on by someone for who they are and what is at the core of them is quite refreshing. When he says I am beautiful, he is sincere...and my heart melts as I thank him shyly. When I look into his eyes I feel like I can see into his soul. And when he covers them to bear the touch of my lips and skin something in my own soul is awakened. Sitting at the airport, going through pictures of him, of us, to try and burn the memories into my seive, he texts me "I miss you already." And I miss him just the same.
But somehow it is ok that we are hours and miles away from one another. I am calm, going into this with a level mind and no expectations. I will not make the same mistakes I once made in haste - this one will be worth the wait. Matt asked at the bar, "Do you think you might be falling? Maybe just a little bit?" I have never been so quick or so honest to say "Yes, that might be the case." I have spent the last year introspecting and finding myself again - I like who I've become and I like who I am. Part of that is taking the time to mourn the loss of my last relationship, spending time alone and being ok with being alone. Another part is the committment I've made to my health. And an even bigger part of that is the people I've met and who will surely be with me for the long haul - I truly feel lucky and blessed.
Andrew and I did a hill/run workout yesterday, and had a really good conversation. Good because he was able to talk about the Holly situation with me, and good because it was open and honest on both ends without a hidden agenda. I look at him now and realize that Andy was right - I was not falling for him, I was falling for the idea of him. He has most of the things I have been looking for in someone; he just doesn't have all of it. I'm just not willing to settle. And with Jim, it doesn't feel like I am. Andrew and I were meant to friends - and will be friends - for a very long time.
So for now I look forward to Dewey at the end of the month. Perhaps a weekend in the interim. You know, I'll just take what I can get, because it's just so deliciously amazing...
Monday, June 11, 2007
180 degrees
Wow, so...to try and get my mind off the whole Andrew thing I ended up turning on my Match.com account again. Silly, I know, but every once in a while a girl just needs a little boost, you know? So I met this guy Nick who, once again, seemed great on paper, but was a little awkward when we met. And to top it all off he went in for not just a goodnight kiss, but a goodnight makeout session which irritated the shit our of me since I gave him no signals that I was looking to go there. I guess if a girl just smiles that's enough of a "sign" these days.
I did get to go home for a few days, which was completely impromptu but great. Sonny was there so I got to spend a little time with everyone. Short but sweet, just the way I like it. Back home for the week and then Memorial Day was aready there. After much anticipation, Matt's friend Jim came down for Bike Jam. My first impression wasn't great, but we quickly ended up hitting it off and spending most of the weekend together. I had to make the first move at Bay Cafe of all places, while a disappointed Andrea was witness to something that wasn't meant for her to see.
But Jim was great. He is great. And now I'm stuck again. The more I get to know him, the more he haunts my thoughts throughout the day. Snipits of conversation, lying by the pool in our own little world, my feet resting in his lap at Scores, making out on the Schneider's couch...then making love in their guest room - intoxicated and feverish at first, then in the glow of lazy sunday morning light. I hate when I get these inklings, since they always seem to be wrong, but it feels so good at the same time to have someone in particular on the brain. I feel giddy again....I lose control of my thoughts when I should be paying attention and end up with a shit eating grin on my face and shivers through my body. To be with someone who is actually able to express their pleasure vocally rather than keeping it in....is so strangely liberating and stimulating to me.
"I'm sorry kept staring at you at the pool today."
"You weren't staring at me..."
"Yes, I was..." grin (and what a great grin it is)
"I'm going to have to start looking for more flights to Baltimore because you are amazing"
"We could keep in touch, if you want..."
"I just can't believe you're single..."
He seems so genuine, and because he's friends with Matt it leads me to believe that there are multiple facets to this person...all of which I can't wait to get to know. Funny that San Diego is here but the only place I want to be is in Boston... His lack of hesitance fuels this...throwing out more trips to Baltimore, asking if we could keep in touch, checking to see when the next open weekend is so that we can see each other, inviting me to Boston regardless of whether or not Matt goes and opening up his parents home even when we barely know each other. Honestly I am a bit frightened at how much I want to know this person more...my heart cannot take more sadness and disappointment...
I did get to go home for a few days, which was completely impromptu but great. Sonny was there so I got to spend a little time with everyone. Short but sweet, just the way I like it. Back home for the week and then Memorial Day was aready there. After much anticipation, Matt's friend Jim came down for Bike Jam. My first impression wasn't great, but we quickly ended up hitting it off and spending most of the weekend together. I had to make the first move at Bay Cafe of all places, while a disappointed Andrea was witness to something that wasn't meant for her to see.
But Jim was great. He is great. And now I'm stuck again. The more I get to know him, the more he haunts my thoughts throughout the day. Snipits of conversation, lying by the pool in our own little world, my feet resting in his lap at Scores, making out on the Schneider's couch...then making love in their guest room - intoxicated and feverish at first, then in the glow of lazy sunday morning light. I hate when I get these inklings, since they always seem to be wrong, but it feels so good at the same time to have someone in particular on the brain. I feel giddy again....I lose control of my thoughts when I should be paying attention and end up with a shit eating grin on my face and shivers through my body. To be with someone who is actually able to express their pleasure vocally rather than keeping it in....is so strangely liberating and stimulating to me.
"I'm sorry kept staring at you at the pool today."
"You weren't staring at me..."
"Yes, I was..." grin (and what a great grin it is)
"I'm going to have to start looking for more flights to Baltimore because you are amazing"
"We could keep in touch, if you want..."
"I just can't believe you're single..."
He seems so genuine, and because he's friends with Matt it leads me to believe that there are multiple facets to this person...all of which I can't wait to get to know. Funny that San Diego is here but the only place I want to be is in Boston... His lack of hesitance fuels this...throwing out more trips to Baltimore, asking if we could keep in touch, checking to see when the next open weekend is so that we can see each other, inviting me to Boston regardless of whether or not Matt goes and opening up his parents home even when we barely know each other. Honestly I am a bit frightened at how much I want to know this person more...my heart cannot take more sadness and disappointment...
Thursday, May 10, 2007
S C R E W E D
As usual, the highs must end and the descent to the lows must begin. I finally find a job with a company that I love and 6 months later we are struggling to recover from the biggets crash in the industry to date. Relationship status? I would have to go with non-existent. Even worse, the prospects are non-existent as well. The only person I have remotely any interest in belongs to someone else, and all I want to do is ask him what the real reason is that he never gave me a chance. We seem to fit so well together, with mutual respect and an almost adoration of one another. We clearly find one another to be atractive....and yet he held out. I just honestly want to know why...
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