what is this?

So I finally address the elephant in the room, grab the tie, make things happen...and still he is evasive. We go to the bar, he has his arm around me...I sleep at his place, we wake up in the morning and talk for hours...he invites me to a show at the 9:30 club, reminds me that he was serious about having dinner Monday (which is tonight, incidentally and clearly I am not at dinner,)and yet somehow I knew in the back of my head that we would not be seeing each other tonight. Is it a game? Did I throw myself at him and he just wasn't interested? Am I really that bad at reading the signs? For once this is someone who seems to make sense, but then i guess that is my problem - maybe I just don't know anyone all that well.

Why am I being slightly obsessive about this one? Is it really him, or is it just me in my head?

Wrong...again

I, I do not trust myself anymore. I live in a world of ideals, bound by my complex mind. Reading the last post I feel like a fool. I jump in head first without caution, it happens every time. I do not deserve to find my match or be a part of a pair. I am obviously not ready. And I clearly have no understanding of my true feelings, because one minute I am on and the next I am off but always I am alone.

Caught in the web again

Just returned from the triathlon in San Diego and the weekend in Fitchburg for the Longsjo Classic. San Diego was great, though Paula was grating on my nerves as usual. It was nice to have Kendall and Emmeline around and get to spend some quality time with them. And to have support as I battled with a resurgence of the staph infection I went through 8 months or so ago. The timing of course was impeccable, but I almost feel like it happened for a reason. And the reason is this...

Jim and his mom came to pick me up at the airport in Manchester. There was an instant level of comfort with both him and his family - they are so funny and such a pleasure to be around. And I can't stop marveling at what an amazing son they produced. The more I get to know Jim the more that see that I was right about him - there are many different sides to this person and so far I liking every single one of them. He is confident yet modest, motivated, determined, sensitive to others, aware of himself...all of the traits I have been seeking in someone. Sometimes I want to pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming. We admitted that we're putting the best foot forward, but somehow I think it's all still pretty real. I know I tend to be wrong about these things, but this one I would like to keep.

Saturday night at the bar (The Boulder) Matt played wing man so Jim and I could talk without old friends bothering us. And we essentially decided to give this a try. With a determined face he told me about his friend that was dating a girl in Chicago...and that they were married now. I like that we are on the same page, in same the place in our lives, it seems. There's enough there that we want to pursue this, but I think it's also important to be realistic about things. I do not expect him to move here and he does not expect me to go to Connecticut. But we will find a way to see each other and really get to know each other.

For the first time in a long time I took the sexual part and the lubricant of inebriation out of the equation (though admittedly not by choice) and really got to spend some time with someone just as I really am. And it was amazing. To be that turned on by someone for who they are and what is at the core of them is quite refreshing. When he says I am beautiful, he is sincere...and my heart melts as I thank him shyly. When I look into his eyes I feel like I can see into his soul. And when he covers them to bear the touch of my lips and skin something in my own soul is awakened. Sitting at the airport, going through pictures of him, of us, to try and burn the memories into my seive, he texts me "I miss you already." And I miss him just the same.

But somehow it is ok that we are hours and miles away from one another. I am calm, going into this with a level mind and no expectations. I will not make the same mistakes I once made in haste - this one will be worth the wait. Matt asked at the bar, "Do you think you might be falling? Maybe just a little bit?" I have never been so quick or so honest to say "Yes, that might be the case." I have spent the last year introspecting and finding myself again - I like who I've become and I like who I am. Part of that is taking the time to mourn the loss of my last relationship, spending time alone and being ok with being alone. Another part is the committment I've made to my health. And an even bigger part of that is the people I've met and who will surely be with me for the long haul - I truly feel lucky and blessed.

Andrew and I did a hill/run workout yesterday, and had a really good conversation. Good because he was able to talk about the Holly situation with me, and good because it was open and honest on both ends without a hidden agenda. I look at him now and realize that Andy was right - I was not falling for him, I was falling for the idea of him. He has most of the things I have been looking for in someone; he just doesn't have all of it. I'm just not willing to settle. And with Jim, it doesn't feel like I am. Andrew and I were meant to friends - and will be friends - for a very long time.

So for now I look forward to Dewey at the end of the month. Perhaps a weekend in the interim. You know, I'll just take what I can get, because it's just so deliciously amazing...

180 degrees

Wow, so...to try and get my mind off the whole Andrew thing I ended up turning on my Match.com account again. Silly, I know, but every once in a while a girl just needs a little boost, you know? So I met this guy Nick who, once again, seemed great on paper, but was a little awkward when we met. And to top it all off he went in for not just a goodnight kiss, but a goodnight makeout session which irritated the shit our of me since I gave him no signals that I was looking to go there. I guess if a girl just smiles that's enough of a "sign" these days.

I did get to go home for a few days, which was completely impromptu but great. Sonny was there so I got to spend a little time with everyone. Short but sweet, just the way I like it. Back home for the week and then Memorial Day was aready there. After much anticipation, Matt's friend Jim came down for Bike Jam. My first impression wasn't great, but we quickly ended up hitting it off and spending most of the weekend together. I had to make the first move at Bay Cafe of all places, while a disappointed Andrea was witness to something that wasn't meant for her to see.

But Jim was great. He is great. And now I'm stuck again. The more I get to know him, the more he haunts my thoughts throughout the day. Snipits of conversation, lying by the pool in our own little world, my feet resting in his lap at Scores, making out on the Schneider's couch...then making love in their guest room - intoxicated and feverish at first, then in the glow of lazy sunday morning light. I hate when I get these inklings, since they always seem to be wrong, but it feels so good at the same time to have someone in particular on the brain. I feel giddy again....I lose control of my thoughts when I should be paying attention and end up with a shit eating grin on my face and shivers through my body. To be with someone who is actually able to express their pleasure vocally rather than keeping it in....is so strangely liberating and stimulating to me.

"I'm sorry kept staring at you at the pool today."

"You weren't staring at me..."

"Yes, I was..." grin (and what a great grin it is)

"I'm going to have to start looking for more flights to Baltimore because you are amazing"

"We could keep in touch, if you want..."

"I just can't believe you're single..."

He seems so genuine, and because he's friends with Matt it leads me to believe that there are multiple facets to this person...all of which I can't wait to get to know. Funny that San Diego is here but the only place I want to be is in Boston... His lack of hesitance fuels this...throwing out more trips to Baltimore, asking if we could keep in touch, checking to see when the next open weekend is so that we can see each other, inviting me to Boston regardless of whether or not Matt goes and opening up his parents home even when we barely know each other. Honestly I am a bit frightened at how much I want to know this person more...my heart cannot take more sadness and disappointment...

S C R E W E D

As usual, the highs must end and the descent to the lows must begin. I finally find a job with a company that I love and 6 months later we are struggling to recover from the biggets crash in the industry to date. Relationship status? I would have to go with non-existent. Even worse, the prospects are non-existent as well. The only person I have remotely any interest in belongs to someone else, and all I want to do is ask him what the real reason is that he never gave me a chance. We seem to fit so well together, with mutual respect and an almost adoration of one another. We clearly find one another to be atractive....and yet he held out. I just honestly want to know why...

The ER

As usual, it's been awhile. That's a good sign, I think - means I've been busy. Also means I need to slow down a bit - all this running around is starting to wear on me. That last month and a half has been much of the usual - training has increased in intensity, I am now running 3 days a week, 3 miles +. Monday nights are Matt & Emily training day, starting bright and early with 6AM swim then right into run club after work and then abs and stretch into lifting at Harborview. Tuesday nights are triathlon club run and dinner, which has been going smashingly well. Wednesday nights are tentative Trivia and first rest day of the week. Thursday is train at Merritt and Friday's are open for lifting or running or just plain drinking. Saturdays and Sundays are usually group ride days, which bring us up to the latest catastrophe.

Yesterday Andrew took a nasty spill on the bike and we ended up going to the ER. He broke his collarbone and will be unable to compete in any of the planned triathlons. He was quite the trooper - I could not have taken the accident in with such grace and dignity. Not a single tear, just quite moments of revelling in the pain. My feelings of guilt are pretty strong, as I talked him into the ride. We were just discussing how worried we were that an injury was very possible with all the physical activity going on, and how it could throw us out of the game for the whole season. Then poof, this happens.

But the strangest part of it is what I think I realized at the hospital. I had suspected it for a while now, since I couldn't seem to shake thoughts of him or deflect minor feelings of jealousy about the Holly situation. As he sat with the nurse I had a direct view of him through the hallway. He looked at me and smiled as he was talking to the nurse, and then before I knew it the thought just flashed through my head - I think I am starting to love with this person. And he is not mine to love. It is a one-sided love, and it must stay buried.

The night before, at Cinco do Milo, I realized that we spent most of the night, apart from the group, in deep conversation. It's what we used to do, before our little encounter and before he started dating Holly. We would go out with a group and just make our own little world - or at least it felt that way. On Friday night we discussed relationships and all I can really remember is him saying something about how I was seriously one the coolest girls that he knows (an old favorite descriptor of his, I know - and also so "high school"), that I was beautiful and athletic...and how any guy would be interested. But that's just the thing - no one does seem to want me. I often wonder what he thinks of how our little situation went down. There was clear interest on his part - he was the one who brought up the attraction at the bar that one night. Then back at his house, the subtle grazes and touches, and the look in his eyes. I wish we had been alone, and yet it's better that we weren't or this could be a bigger mess than it already is. Then he goes away for a weekend and comes back dating Holly. We discuss and he stumbles over how he feels - tells me one minute that Justin would freak out and he can't have that happen, then tells me Justin gave him the ok, then tells me he doesn't know how to become intimate and still be friends, then says he's not ready to date anyone. It's like he went from hot to cold in a matter of a week, and I wasn't even around. So we discuss and agree it's not the best idea, and he and Holly continue to grow closer. Yet the whole time I notice the gravitation when we're out, the arm always being thrown around me (which never seems to happen with any of the other girls that are around), people commenting that they thought we were dating...they must have noticed something to? When he walked up to us at Cinco de Milo I felt his eyes on me, and the whole time we were talking they kept jutting down my body - even Matt said something. And yet it's completely pointless to think of any of this because the fact of the matter is that he and Holly are now together. I was bummed when she showed up to the hospital and said it was "ok that I could go home" when I had been there with him for 4 and some hours watching over him. It made me feel like a used towel - something must be done about this. I would like to think that it's just the circumstances of the weekend that made us have to spend so much time together, but I am painfully aware that despite the injury he will be accompanying us to Pocomoke and San Diego to be with Holly. I definitely need to watch what I drink because I can't let any of this spill out to anyone...it could ruin everything. So I'll just keep this torture to myself and push on...

Slow down

It's been a while, sorry. Not much to report. Dave situation is pretty much non-existent. He seemed into it before he left and then I haven't heard from him since he got back. Andrew and Holly are pretty much a couple. I love Holly but can't help to feel a slight twinge of jealously since I never really had a chance to see what could have been with the whole Justin / Andrew situation. She's a great girl and he's a great guy so they'll be great together.

Feeling tired, sluggish. Think my body is fighting something. Haircut tonight at 6 then dinner and out with Beth. Should be fun. Matt and I are having a work-out/shopping /massage day tomorrow. Bike ride Sunday AM. 29th bday is around the corner. Holly is planning a joint bday for Beth and I, starting @ Pazo.

I think I'm falling back into my slump again. Rather than just going out and having fun I am looking for something - not a relationship, but I am dying for some physical attention. And it seems the more that I want it, the further I get from it! What is this?!?

ACTIVE

Dinner with Dave on Wednesday went well. We went to Birches, shared a bottle of wine, had good conversation. Night ended with a so-so kiss, though we were being rushed by a car coming through behind us. Thursday night after training Justin and I were having dinner when he informed me it was Dave's birthday. We ended up meeting them for a little bit at JDs, and he seemed happy to see me. I didn't want to overstay the welcome and I was tired so Justin and I headed out after a little while. Friday night Andrew and Paula picked me up and we were meeting Holly, Beth and Justin at Portside. Got a delayed response on a text I had sent Dave earlier and he ended up coming out. Justin cock blocked for most of the night, though we did sneak in a bit of kissing at Cosmos. At the end of the night I was just drunk and needed to sleep in my own bed and not do anything I wouldn't remember/would regret so I headed out with Paula. Night ended with some drunken text messaging, and I woke up to "U R Killing Me." I have no idea what elicited that response and when I saw Dave at Little Havanas the next day, he wouldn't really tell me. So I'm not sure if I was annoying him or teasing him. He was also acting a bit removed so I'm sure I said / did something retarded to freak him out. Oh well.

So I got up and worked out Sat morning, then Andrew and I met for a bike ride. Rode down to Schwann park to catch the footballers, then off to Ft. McHenry. It was a good ride to get acquainted with my bike. Afterwards we went to meet Holly and Justin and gang at Little Havana's...then made plans to meet up again at 9:15 at No Way Jose. I was so exhausted I bailed and was in bed by 9pm. Woke up this morning and had breakfast with Andy - thank goodness he's back! Picked up Justin, went to Andrew's and met him and Holly, walked up to Charles and Frankling for the Kelly's Shamrock 5K. Race went ok - I had to stop for about 30 seconds to catch my breath, but was able to finish in 26:40. Not too shabby for not having run outside at all. Andy met us at the Power Plant and the plan for a PM bike ride ensued. After much commotion and a lot of irritation on my part we ended up at the BWI trail. It was nice - a bit chilly which hurt when we were moving, but it was a nice 12 mile ride. Home now and exhausted.

Not quite sure how I feel about the Dave situation. He seemed into it Wed, Thursday and Friday. Texted about possibly meeting up tonight but I doubt that will happen - it's been a long weekend and I've seen him (if even only briefly) everday except today. I'm sure the frequency is a bit much, I kind of have felt that too. We barely know each other, and I've really kind of enjoyed being single over the last few months. I am not looking to get into anything serious...I am still recovering from damage from the last relationship. I think the problem is that I am very impatient, I think that is something I could definitely benefit from working on.

Man, am I exhausted. I feel like I should push to stay awake until 10, but that seems so far away. Supposed to swim in the AM but I don't know if my body can take it after today. Perhaps if I get to bed now I'll be ready in the morning - we'll see...

Night

Go Team Salad

Andy's been gone a little over a week now, and I am swimming in a sea of poop. That and the house being completely fucking freezing has been a little frustrating. Skipped out on swim Monday AM - too unbearably cold - so did cardio and lift Monday night. Yesterday was "swimming video watching" at Justin's - I am now officially intimidated about the swimming. Had a nice time preparing stuff with andrew - felt strangely couple-like and very comfortable. not sure what's going on with him and holly, but i'm a big fan of both of theirs so i guess i hope it works out for them.

dinner with dave tonight - not sure why, but i'm a little scared it's not going to go well. don't really know him, so this should be interesting...

Weekend recap

Monday - AM swim, after work bike (30 min) to 5K.
Tuesday - dinner with Dad at The Wine Market.
Wednesday - AM run. Laundry. Dad brought home Pho.
Thursday - 6 - 8 training. Dinner with Heather at Portside. Paula, Andrew, Holly and Justin met us afterwards. On to Portside (Holly bailed shortly thereafter), then Claddaugh's, then back to Portside. At Claddaugh's ended up tlaking to Andrew about the Justin situation. Pointed out that Andrew was a serial dater - he apparently had no idea, then asked Paula about it on the way home.
Friday - Holly and Springer picked me up in a cab and we went to HH at Cross Street Market. Hung out with the Schneider's - Paula and Amy came to meet us. Late dinner at Mother's, home by midnight, Holly was drunk and we were both tired.
Saturday - went to Pasadena in the AM to get Holly's bike. Then swam at Harborview, met Paula. Grabbed lunch at SoBo cafe and then off to Towson for a crappy boutique sale. Then to Loehmann's and home. Napped, met back up with Holly and her friend Tara for drinks. Started at Cosmo's, then to Mama's - so many cute boys! I should hang out with women more often! Then to Portside, saw Dave briefly. He was hammered and I was on my way. Back to Mama's - tall dark and handsome stranger kept checking me out but would not make a move. Then back to Portside for last call.
Sunday - house cleaning, tending to dogs and work out. Nice and chill. Watched the Last Kiss. Ready for the work week, though I did bail on AM swim since it was SO FREAKING COLD!!!

Swim Dinner on Tuesday. Date with Dave sometime this week? We seem to keep missing each other with scheduling...

Thursday night, dinner with Paula, Amy, Casey, Hillary and Jen. Friday night, drinks with Justin at NcDevin's then moved on to the square to meet Ryan and Dave and company. Ended up talking with Dave quite a bit - suggested we go to dinner sometime. He seemed interested, and I gave him an easy out because of the Ryan issue. But when it comes down to it, nothing really happened with Ryan, I've been on the fence about him anyways, and the boy is a man whore. I have no issue with that, except that I refuse to make it my issue. For some reason he is under the impression that I am a "hard body" which I think is entirely too entertaining. Found out Saturday that Dave is not much better with the ladies situation when Holly brought him up as a nixed potential for Beth. Can't tell if those girls actually like me. I would think Holly does more so than Beth, but I also don't know how Holly feels about my friendship with Andrew. I kind of don't get those two, and it really kind of sucks since Andrew and I seem to get along really well. As the girls said at dinner, the whole "don't want to ruin the friendship thing" is probably just an excuse, because I'm not really someone that he's interested in. Don't know why I'm still hanging out and wondering what he's thinking - there's obviously no point. Saturday was a debauchery. Down by 10:30, I'd say? I drank a half a bottle of Stoli Blueberry, had two shots, a couple beers and a margarita and then blacked out. I hate myself when I do shit like that. I don't even know why I bother drinking, except it apparently gives me enough liquid courage to talk to the boys. How lame is that.

Stayed in Sunday. It snowed most of the day. This weekend should be a nice little break with the boys out of town. I need to lay low, been spending way too much money. Then paying for the liquid courage with a massive hangover that makes it extremely difficult to work out. I was the only one who showed up for swim this morning - my hunch is that others went out last night. I think I'll live...

Quickies

Tuesday: trecherous ice storm. Still had to come in to work. Still sick, couldn't shake it.

V-Day : Jamie sent a gorgeous arrangement of calla lilies, then followed up with an invite to dinner. I said ok, but was hesitant. Movie plans with Amy, Paula, and another friend were cancelled due to ice. Instead went to meet Paula at Magerk's. Was there with Ryan, Bridgette, and company. Ryan kept asking to go to dinner, back to Fells. Gave in since it was still snowing and I didn't want to be so far from home. We dropped my car off and went to Slainte and then WTF. Had no intentions of making out, but conversation was good - he was surprising. Next thing I know we are upstairs at WTF making out on the couch. Ugh. I hate being that girl. He dropped me off at home, more kissing in the car.

Thursday no swim, just spin, followed by dinner with Justin, Paula, Springer, Amy, Jamie and myself. Awkward with Jamie. Went to the Pickled Parrott afterwards. When I decided to call it quite Jamie made the move to go home as well, so I offered a ride. He pointed out that he thought that he may have freaked me out a bit, that he "kind of was digging on me" but that it was no big deal. He seemed ok but I'm sure I won't see much of him for at least a little while.

Friday...laid low with Heather. Ordered Chinese and watched Marie Antoinette. Saturday ran errands during the day in Annapolis (found a bike!), had dinner at the Cheese with Justin and Andrew, and then went to the movies with Dani and Kendall. Music & Lyrics was dissappointing, and D was in a bad mood. But it was good to see them.

Sunday Funday - trained in the morning, went to Mother's for PJ day brunch. Then went up to Padonia Station for Mickey's Mom's benefit concert to see Mitch. Had a great time. Though I did see Kelly Bell for the first time in years. Awkward, irritating....he found me though I hid for a long while. Went to The Still afterwards. Mitch being very lovely dovey. Didn't deny earlier to fans that I was his girlfriend. Introduced me to his Dad as his best friend in the whole world, the person that saved him from himself many years ago. Heather suggested we go back downtown. I was tired, left them at Fletcher's (didn't want to deal with Mitch trying to sleep with me).

Monday - training at 10AM until 12:30. Lunch at Metropolitan. Then Paul and Justin went to take care of errands and Andrew and I headed out to COlumbia to find training stuff. Checked out Race Pace. Good talks - he is really great and we seem to have a lot in common. Too bad the more I get to know him the less attracted to him I am. Why is that? Left at 5:45 to get the bike. Whole ordeal, didn't get back til 8:30. But I have my bike and I am SO EXCITED!!! Wacthed Heroes then off to bed...

sick-o

Started Tri training on Thursday. Friday night improptu dinner and outing with Paula, Paula's friend, Justin and Jamie. Interesting conversation with Wasser, a little dancing at Portside. Andrew popped in with Holly after their dinner date - life is so unfair. I can't even tell what he really thinks about me, he seems to just lump all women into one big pile. He just loves them all. Weird incident with Jamie and getting a cab. Insisted on walking me to my door, left Paula to fend for herself. Got me in the house, sent text that he was still outside. Went outside, he fumbled for words. Nothing came out. He left, threw his head back in frustration. Thinking he may like me, especially after Andrew confirmed that he saw Jamie almost rip some guys head off for touching my hat on at Portside.

Tried to swim Saturday, to no avail. Andrew popped in last minute, so he, Justin, Paula and I went on Tri errands. Ate lunch, got fitted for running shoes, fitted for bikes. Went to find Andrew a mountain board. Met up with him and Mazy at 3PM and tried it out at Schwann park. Justin saw the kite from the road on the way back from his doc's appt and came to join us. Andrew and I grabbed dinner at McGerk's. Tried to meet Heather and co at WTF, but was tired and sick and losing my voice.

Tomorrow the founders of LownHome come in. So much to do, lunch is being catered. Must rest. Movie date with Paula, Amy and someone I don't know yet. Should be fun...

Former MYspace

If I stepped out of my body I would break into blossoms.
I am extremely passionate and often times stubborn. Some call me feisty, and at times I do agree. We all make mistakes but I like to think I try and make the most of mine. If you can walk the walk and not just talk the talk, well then you and I should get along just fine.

Champion?

Another crazy week. Steve Otten quit on Tuesday evening. Drew was let go on Wednesday. Sales Talk Championship on Wednesday as well - I went dead last, nailed it, and won by a landslide (8 votes out of 13). My first plaque ever, I am honestly so giddy about it. Dinner with Justin Thursday after Dad cancelled due to a last minute issue. Took Dani to dinner at the Wine Market on Friday, then met up with Justin, Andrew and Jaime at McGerks. Immediately Andrew was flirty, it threw me off a bit. Got myself into taking three shots in a row because I couldn't finish my beer. Needless to say, I was wasted and Andrew offered that I could crash at his place. Went to the market, then Grumpies, then the Ropewalk. Needless to say I was drunk, and the next thing I know Andrew and I bolt and stop by to pick up a pizza on the walk home. We eat, talk. I bring up last Saturday. He reitterates that he is very attracted to me, that I'm one of the coolest girls, yadda yadda. He even ran it by Justin and got the "go for it." But he's not ready to be in a relationship. I say I understand, because I do. He is not done dating yet, and he knows it. I do respect that. We make out for a bit. He is worried that we can't begin something sexual and still be friends. And again, he is right. So we make out a bit, and then it's off to bed. Me on the third floor and him on the second. And so we are friends. And so we will triathlon train together and go on vacation together come September. He will date and I will, well, continue to lack traction, and all will be well with the world. I think if anything I am learning that I need to slow the heck down and not just jump into my next relationship. The sex comes and goes, but the friendship and relationship you build in the beginning sets the foundation. I need a strong, solid foundation for the next one. I need to do something different and get out of the rut I'm in. Things must change - it's my only hope of not ending up alone.

Oh and I've come to find that I really don't mind being in such a hurry to get everywhere during the week. I like being busy - I like having things to do. And then I feel that when the weekend comes, I truly deserve it. I live for weekends.

wow. second one today. must be the espresso dan made me.

dinner with the band (minus oana and plus jason and dan) at dan's house. i wish i could live in a place like that. with someone i love. enough with the dreaming - i'm tired of dreaming. why must i always dream about it and never have it? someone to inspire me, to push me, to catch me. to make my heart skip a beat even after the honeymoon phase is over. is my new strategy to hold out for the really, really unattainable? let the heart get broken a bit in hopes of finding what i've always dreamed of? the blind fortune teller said i already know "him" and that i would get married at 30, 31. i'm not so much concerned about the age as i am about finding someone that really makes me happy, and that i can make really happy. it seems almost an impossibility at this point. what bugs me even more is how it eats at me so that i feel the need to talk about this hole inside me in every blog i write. i know that i live in a world of ideals, but i don't know how to stop being idealistic other than settling. as soon as i get something, i lose interest in it. and i'm scared to go after the things that i really, really want for fear of failure and rejection. so what next? am i just waiting? the sad truth is that i have been waiting...for as long as i can remember...while others have long since found it. another valentine's day. i fucking hate that holiday because it just reminds me of that which i long for the most. and even when i'm in a relationship, the day is crap because it shouldn't take a holiday to tell someone how you feel.

why no call? was the connection just a fluke? are you worried about justin? because really, i'd like a chance to know what you're really thinking...though in an odd way it's nice to have something to project onto. And feel giddy about. Ah am I always just this wee bit obsessive?

ABSOLUTELY.

Wow, am I bad at keeping up with this. Let's see...uneventful week last week. Dale Carnegie on Wednesday - last day next week! Kendall's surprise 30th bday at Red Maple - drunken mess. Fun, but I paid the price on Saturday. Slept until 3 (or until I felt human again) then laid low the rest of the day. Sunday was chill as well, worked on Cafe Gourmet (wish those bastards would get back to me) and then on my sales preso. Tried SNAFU - it sucked AGAIN. Came home, chilled out, went to bed. Pretty much an uneventful weekend.

So try as I may, I can't seem to get Andrew out of my head. Just heard from Justin that the weekend was a blast, so I have to say I'm pretty jealous. Other than a couple little texts on Friday, no contact with him whatsoever. Which basically tells me that he must not be interested in hanging out, so I really should just get over it. Trouble is I'm still in the obsessing phase - I hate that phase since I almost always look back and want to kick myself over it - but I am definitely on my way out. He is not a good idea anyways - he's not done being single and the women will never be done pursuing him. So, I move forward. Looking but not looking. Hoping but hopeless. God would I just like the opportunity to kiss him again - properly, fully, and indulgingly.

Busy week. Dinner with Kendall, Dani, Plip and Plop tonight. Sales preso tomorrow. Dinner with Dad on Thursday. Dinner with Dani on Friday. Super Bowl party on Sunday at Steve's? Maybe not such a good idea. We shall see...

Unexpected

So after a low key Friday night I hit the gym Saturday morning bright and early. As luck would have it, none other than Andrew walks in while I am working on my triceps and stops by to say hello. Before I know it we make plans to hang out. I notice him talking to another girl while I am working out, and he seems calm, casual. When I approach him to get his number before I leave, he seems a bit fidgety, very smiley. I note the body language.

Heather and I spent the day together, working for a short period then watching Anchorman and Starskt and Hutch. Matt joined us after waking from some bad dreams. I don't know how she does it all the time. Before I know it it's 6PM and Justin calls and I have 30 minutes to get ready. Justin and Jaime pick me up in a cab and we're off to Mothers.

Walk in the door and I hear "Chua!" turn around and sure enough, Paul is there with Alex and his fiancee. I say hi, can't believe my luck, and return to the group who have met up with Andrew.

Night progresses and by the end of it I find myself talking with Andrew in Grumpies and him revealling that he "inquired" about me several years ago and basically got the "back off" vibe from Justin. He confessed that he always found me to be attractive but didn't explore it because of that. And I confessed that I found him to be attractive, and asked what I was supposed to do if Justin gave him the back off vibe. The night was ending, Alex and Paul had definitely walked by a couple of times during this conversation, and I was a little surprise to be discussing what we were discussing at that point. After we exited the bar, Justin got held up talking to people, so Andrew suggestedd we just start walking and Justin would catch up. We make a beeline for the house and as he is unlocking the door, I see Justin round the corner. Damn. No follow up on discussion at the bar. I meet Mazy, and we play with her for awhile. Andrew and I move to the front room while Justin takes over, throwing things from the kitchen. I notice Andrew touching me when he has the opportunity - a hand on the back, a light touch on the backside, grabbing me knee. I see my opportunity and kiss him. Another grin, and I steal another moment when Justin isn't looking. I want nothing more than to stay, but see Justin falling asleep on the couch. So we leave.

Sunday morning we do brunch at Reggie's and end of spending the day at Porters watching the Saints/Cubs game. I sit next to Andrew most of the time but can't get a read off of him. It's almost as if the night before didn't happen, though we continue discussions on vacation plans and what not. Part of me wants to slip in the question - was last night just a drunk mistake for you? - but decide against it. We shall see where the chips may fall on this one. I will just enjoy being a little bit giddy about this. And a touch scared...

Baltimore Blast(less), WTF, Charles' "Infinite Fuck"

after realizing that maybe i just don't want to forget all of this great stuff that i can't seem to remember naturally anymore (most likely due to the fact that i can't stop the aging process), have vowed to start writing daily again. so, i shall start with this new beginning:

friday. it was the longest four day work week in the history of me. database integrity complaints, advertising complaints, i need this i need that, whining.... a girl can only take so much. yesterday alex took me to lunch, i suppose to clear the air, and it was surprisingly comfortable. though i think he is truly amazing and absolutely one of a kind, i am quite sure that i know myself well enough to know that there's something missing and i would have held on to that missing piece until the demise of our relationship. and is truly more important to me that he and i are friends, as it's nice to know someone who is so aware of other people's feelings.

thought of andrew as i approached the city. i suppose he represents everything i am scared of, as seems to have all the traits that i would ever look for in a guy. confident, but humble, smart, tall, attractive, charismatic, perfect posture, great smile, driven, successful, tasteful....did i miss anything? if i really admit what scares me about thinking about someone like that, it is most definitely that i really and truly believe that men like that are just out of my league. that i not attractive enough, smart enough, heck just in plain general good enough for someone like that. and no matter how many times my friends may tell me that i'm being ridiculous, i can't seem to change that notion in my deeply analytical and overthinking head.

nice to be high. it's been awhile. i am going to let my brain rest for the first time in months. i hope.