wow. second one today. must be the espresso dan made me.

dinner with the band (minus oana and plus jason and dan) at dan's house. i wish i could live in a place like that. with someone i love. enough with the dreaming - i'm tired of dreaming. why must i always dream about it and never have it? someone to inspire me, to push me, to catch me. to make my heart skip a beat even after the honeymoon phase is over. is my new strategy to hold out for the really, really unattainable? let the heart get broken a bit in hopes of finding what i've always dreamed of? the blind fortune teller said i already know "him" and that i would get married at 30, 31. i'm not so much concerned about the age as i am about finding someone that really makes me happy, and that i can make really happy. it seems almost an impossibility at this point. what bugs me even more is how it eats at me so that i feel the need to talk about this hole inside me in every blog i write. i know that i live in a world of ideals, but i don't know how to stop being idealistic other than settling. as soon as i get something, i lose interest in it. and i'm scared to go after the things that i really, really want for fear of failure and rejection. so what next? am i just waiting? the sad truth is that i have been waiting...for as long as i can remember...while others have long since found it. another valentine's day. i fucking hate that holiday because it just reminds me of that which i long for the most. and even when i'm in a relationship, the day is crap because it shouldn't take a holiday to tell someone how you feel.

why no call? was the connection just a fluke? are you worried about justin? because really, i'd like a chance to know what you're really thinking...though in an odd way it's nice to have something to project onto. And feel giddy about. Ah am I always just this wee bit obsessive?

ABSOLUTELY.